Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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