Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
