If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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