Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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