Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
All I want is dick and wine.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize