Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He shit in the fireplace
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize