If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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