does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
