I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
