youre lurking in front of me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
whose parrot is this?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
