Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
