there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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