and you said cock pushups were impossible
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
