I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
