I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
