Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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