I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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