I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
