I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
