Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize