What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How does one acquire holy water?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
