I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
