He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
