i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
