it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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