we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
