I'm so fucking centered right now
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
