I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
