dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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