I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
