dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
