To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
