We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
