Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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