I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
