so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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