i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
