I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
