I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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