so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
