i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
