You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize