Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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