no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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