i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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