I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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