hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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