If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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