dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize