never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
