I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
