Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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