I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
