Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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