my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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