I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
