She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
