For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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