Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
