Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
